BPD and managing life!

Therapist assessment

What a waste of time. The woman asked me a bunch of questions and then tried to fob me off on a perinatal service which does Group appointments for pregnant women who have postnatal depression and pregnancy mental health issues. I’ve had this for a lifetime it’s not the pregnancy that’s causing my depression and BPD. Not impressed doesn’t cover it. Told her I’m not doing Group appointments where it doesn’t meet my specific needs. Feels like a waste of time.

Told the therapist why this was the service the pycologist doctor put me on and she has decided to get back in touch with Me once she’s spoke to her colleagues. She’s decided I need emotional regulation support and management strategies and not CBT as suggested before.

I feel like I’m going to be fobbed off and passed round the services, I’ve seen this before in my work with kids trying to access services. Basically I didn’t answer enough questions on the questionnaire to be considered for their services. Bloody stupid.

Erh it seams you have to be completely down the rabbit hole in order to get proper support. I don’t want to be down the rabbit hole and lose everything before I get the support I need cos by then it’ll be too late and I’d have lost everything and won’t want to get support or help. Ffs feeling very frustrated right now 😫

Gym is back!!!

Woop Woop …. to be back at the gym again is an amazing feeling. Oviously I didn’t hit it too hard cos of the baby so half hour gym and half hour swim will do for now.

In the past going to the gym has been like a de-stressing thing for me. Im not gym fit skinny and I never will be as I love my food but the endorphins really helps my mental health and i came back feeling great!!

The biggest problem is motivation, when I’m tired or having a really low day I don’t want to go and its getting over that bit that’s the hardest. I’m not the person that can go for a run or do keep fit in frount of the TV. I need a seperate place to go and think many people have found that an issue over the past year. Being stuck at home and not being able to meet up with people or their gym buddy. I’m planning to go back a few days a week and then continue after the baby. Hope it helps in the long run like it used to 😀

Yesterday was a good day …

I managed it, I had a day with no issues. Feels like forever since that happened. I had 2 friends come over (socially distanced oviously), we played geeky games – marvel ones and cards against humanity. We ate, no drinking due to baby, we laughed and it was great. I think I needed this. Some kind of normality with people.

It’s easy to forget with all the lockdowns and fear with covid that as people we need our people. It takes a village to raise kids and keep us sain as individuals and let’s be honest it’s been hard on all of us this past year but let’s hope we continue out of lockdown and get back to going out and having time for ourselves, family, loved ones and friends.

It’s OK to need a break, I’m not always convinced that people don’t judge me for needing a break and not being a superwoman but i recognise that I need me time and time to nurture relationships or this doesn’t work, by this I mean life in general – well I say I recognise it but some times I forget and just be a stress head so right now I this moment. I recognise it and if your reading this and think you need this time too ask for it and take it remember that it’s OK to not be OK!

Family time …

So my tinyist human, he’s 4, has gone to the parentals for the day. Its me, the teenager and the husband. Making a special effort to spend some time with them today as I know we all need some quality time together without me shouting, crying or stressing …. Well that’s the plan anyway. Fingers crossed I can get through the day without me shouting or melting down! I do miss my little baby though but he needs some time to just enjoy himself and feel special, I am gonna spend some time with him when he gets back cos he needs to have some quality mommy time too.

Inital meeting …

After an appointment that was 2 hours long with more personal questions and crying than I ever thought possible, the physiatrist described BPD. Apparently I fit into a sub category of emotionally unstable personality disorder but it’s BPD. I couldn’t belive it, it was me to a T.

So to finally put a name to it was a relief and to be given a treatment plan that will help and support me feels amazing. Now to wait for it to all actually help is the bit that sucks. I hope it doesn’t take too long!! So getting assigned a therapist and possible CBT therapy … fingers crossed it all works.

My relationship with my family is being affected at the moment. You can know it is and be contious of it and you would think that would help with the controlling of the emotions and being more self aware but it doesn’t. In fact I think it makes it worse knowing you shouldn’t be shouting, stressing or crying but you still do it and then you over analyse and feel like crap because of how your acting, which spins you out and makes you angry and sad. Sounds draining doesn’t it … that’s because it is.

I’ve tried Googling for support but can’t find anything. Theres lots of information about BPD and how you should avoid possible situations or triggers – no shit sherlock! I mean seriously in order to do that I’d need to avoid life completely and live in a room by myself and not interact with anyone other than puppies and other cute animals, or animals in general. I find them less stressful than people but I do love my family and job so I need to learn to manage all of this again.

I’m hoping doing this can help and help others along the way.

What’s with these emotions?

I can’t cope with my emotions, there up and down. There is no middle ground. Some days are worse than others and when your told your grumpy by others it only makes things worse. I get stuck in these moods, in a dark place that I just can’t get out of, I’ve found ways to deal with it in the past but lately it’s become difficult and hard to overcome.

I hate it when I’m snappy and grumpy especially with my kids. I feel like it’s got so bad now that it’s affecting them. I don’t want to mess up my kids. It’s my biggest fear, that my own mental health issues affect them.

Since I began this pregnancy my hormones have made things worse and the medication they have made me change to isn’t helping as much as it used too. I decided to speak to my doctor who after many years of simply telling me it was depressions and switching medications referred me to a pycologist. I’m hoping this helps and gets me some real answers on what’s wrong with me. I know it’s more than just depression but I’ve never got further than a questionnaire at the doctors so at least we’re getting somewhere.

What’s on my mind?

I don’t know about you but living with mental illness, working and being a mom gives me a lot of pressure to make sure everyone thinks I’m fine and coping. It’s not OK in society to be a working professional and a mother with mental illness. I worry daily about my job and messing up my kids because of my BPD and depression which only adds to my anxiety about the whole thing. It sounds exhausting because it is!!

Some thoughts ….

My life is crazy. Well it normally is and I’m okay with that keeping busy keeps me sain. The busy-ness keeps me from overthinking and since the pandemic my crazy life has slowed down and the thinking really isn’t helping. Some things that help the over thinking is the gym but the gym isn’t happening at the moment so my happy endorphins are not happening and trying to exercise at home is a no go! Oh I can not wait for things to get back to normal, I know my family can’t cope with me and I can’t eaither and I am me!!